I couldn't stand it anymore.. I tought i would read all of his post and then only pour out everything here. Right here in this blog. Look. I created this blog as the same intention as he did. To pour out everything kept in my heart when i could not take it anymore. Worse. when i could not tell anybody. And of course meant as a secret lawls. He says when his friend is down.. He would ask them why are you feeling down today. What happen that made you feel bad. Hey, but how many of you actually asked my back when i need that question. That made me wonder how many of you are my true friends. But i know most of you are.. just that not a part of my life. Me. Today when i was so down... I even asked my friend people like us are good aren't we. We always ask how are you... Almost everyday. BUt again! who's been asking me that question? And now.. honestly i had 44 people on9 on my list and i scrolled down the list finding there's no one i could talk to? Haha.. what a nice joke ain't it?
AHaks it all happening because of this thing... Wondering. Thinking... I've been stronger than i can be i suppose. Ahhh i remembered how i got this down.
Today i was flipping through the magazine i was unable to even read yesterday because i fear i would breakdown in front of my parents and her. Then i remembered my friends who's been encouraging me to smile. Keep smiling although it was so painful... Yes dear, i am smilling. And kept smilling. Then i was uploading pictures in friendster and there's him. Danz. I digged out my form 4 add math book where i wrote his email n pass given by veen... Thank god i successfully digged them out.. After 2 years LOL. Then i enter his friendster... reading through the comment.. those i've posted too. It seems so funny and immature but that brings back a lot of memories. THen i remembered he has a blog a long time agoo..
And how i found da blog ?? GOOGLE. GOOGLE. wahhahahaaa. I just love google. How i get the idea? simple.. THANKS TO JESSSIE who always ask me to use google to find manga. It's just the same. I typed Daniel Teoh and to my surprise It was there ! Even face book.. LOLZ and i found this one link which has the same name. Daniel Teoh. on blog too. So i opened it up. Fuck. I just couldn't take it anymore that tears keep falling downnn... Helplessly. Non stop. I've been keeping these tears for such a long time as i can remember. Even people might feel weird or they just tought i did not even care? It wasn't me who was crying when he passed on. I was the one comforting. I understand all of us were n was sad n etc. But just who's gonna comfort me ? yes you... and oh god? yeah i suppose. All of them says just the exact same thing. Sorry, condolence, and bla bla bla. I don't need all of them ya know. I just don't. Being the same surname.. I had the same secretive side of him didn't me ?? hahahaa. Anyway i cared. I cared so much that i thought i would not hang on to myself just reading his blog.
OKay back to topic..and from this * friend of him * i linked to sharon... A girl who's really close to my bro.. Wasn't you^^ i know you do. And thanks ffor all those help and tenderness. It's been great of you. And i know you felt the same as all of us do. But keep smilling ^^. Your really good at it too =].
Okay... I forgot what i wanna say... Totally.
Oh yeah.. Nvm let's continue with what i've got.. Reading his blog was not easy... He has pretty longgggggggggg written essay. If he's given 1000 words essay this is not a problem at all. I learned that he was really depressed and how much he loved us and how many great friends he had. It's as if he was leaving behind all those memorial. Messages... I've found pretty much things he wanted to say. * he's been writing a lot like if 'you' found out * * if 'you' read this one day * As if he knows... he won't be here long. Sighh. And as i streamed through his blog... i myself was never mentioned. I know i never did mentioned him too... But we knew. How much we love each other.. Until that day. That day. Just a day after the bufday of the little girl. He meant the world to me. So much.
Every little i do now reminds me of him... I see people wrote that they just had dinner with him 2 days before it happen and dey never tought it was the last time. And dey did not took a picture together. Well don't be dissapointed... You had a friend here who just had dinner with him celebrating the little girl's bufday and never took a picture together. Then i realised.. We never had a picture with just the both of us. What a sister i am? hahaha but above all it's needless to mention i love you. Thank god you knew ^^. I told you... At least.. i was happy * though u were on the phone * hahaha and i was driving. * zai wa sayang lu tiok ho * and everything went really well.......... god's given enough. Though he went to him early.. He gave me everything. Everything... is better than nothing =] definately. A supper, a dinner. That's more than enough wasn't it ? Hahaha. And guess what !? I did not even say goodbye to him on the day he went back to KL. Sorry it was suppose to be on the day he went back to his lord.
As i read more and more. I came across this place. Coco banana. Haha i myself have not been a really good girl... But who would tought we'd be in the same place? Lawls. And there was this person name kyle. I just wonder if they're the same people. As much as you're always being FFK. I am too. By you. Sadly. It hurts so much everytime no matter the tiniest thing i do. I thought of you. YOU. Clubbing together. Hah sure.. Every single thing... brings back you to me. And i was thinking now... it would be great if you're here because i know you would be the one who would nudge me... call me budak imba and etc. on msn..
Haha enough for now.. I should keep reading as i was keen to finish them by today.. owh wait the day just started ain't it? I had so many question to asked.. So many thing to tell you but what's left ?? NOthing. Ahhhh no. You're always here. Right here. In my heart. You never left... Not even a second. * oh now sharon's moth came into my mind * we got one too... it was there the whole night. AnD! whenever i look into his picture.. he's smilling ^^ although i was dragged by mum to see him and start saying he come back n bla bla bla i just replied narhh ur thinking too much.. But deep in my heart. I believe. I believe he's always here. Never left. I kept myself wondering and i won't find the answer for sure. Cause you're not here to answer me.
There's once i dreamt about you. * a few times * but this one... You told me you were fine.. And you asked me to take care. Thanks. Take care too my dear.. Always and forever cherished. Daniel Teoh ^^ Cien Yang. You know i really wanna talk to you... So i'll just whisper them every night before i sleep ^^ * i'm actually crying omg * thought so many smilly face were potrait. Hey sometimes... smilling just hurt.. And i'm just a human. I can't smile when it hurts so much thinking of how misfortunate people feel ya know. You understand you told me. Deep in my heart I felt the same feeling. You wouldn't understand unless you are me. Selfish enough to think so but i really tought so. Let's not talk about what i wish to do with you... It'll be an endless list. Haha.
Love ya always n forever.
koko.
koko...
i missed calling you ~
* continue reading * and * tears continue to flow * dam !
narhhh who would care.. it's 2.36 am n I"M alone ^^
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